Published October 2009 by Seal Press
The assumptions people often make about the voluntarily childless troubled me because they didn’t come close to capturing my complex motives.
Laura Scott was happily childfree and increasingly frustrated by other people’s reactions to her choice. Curious to understand the “childless by choice” and eager to give them a voice, she set out to create a sociological study to identify the most compelling reasons to remain childfree and to better understand the decision-making process of those who decide to do so.
Two is Enough: A Couple’s Guide to Living Childless by Choice presents Scott’s findings, gleaned from surveying 171 childless by choice individuals andconducting in-depth interviews with many of them. Scott’s goal is not to convert or convince anyone to make the choice to remain childfree. This book is not a polemic for childlessness. Scott’s only agenda is to push society to move beyond the assumption of parenthood and to “redefine gender roles and what we call family.” Currently,
The question is not “are you planning to have children?” It’s “when are you having children?”
This assumption of parenthood persists even while the assumption of marriage has lost its power in modern society.
In Two is Enough, Scott emphasizes the message that parenthood is a choice, not an imperative to be fulfilled, an inevitable consequence of marriage, or simply the next step that must be taken in order to meet familial or cultural expectations. She encourages individuals to think deeply and deliberately about the decision and hopes to help the childless by choice gain greater acceptance in contemporary society.So, what’s the most compelling motive for remaining childfree? Scott’s participants most commonly rated this statement (out of eighteen possibilities) highest:
I love our life, our relationship, as it is, and having a child won’t enhance it.
My husband and I are seriously considering not having children, and I’m here to tell you (as I told Trish and Swapna on Twitter this weekend) that I believe it…because it’s my most compelling reason, too. The other high-ranking motives include valuing freedom and independence; not wanting to take on the responsibility of having a child; having no desire to have children or not maternal/paternal instinct; wanting to accomplish or experience things that would be difficult if one were a parent; and wanting to focus time and energy on one’s own goals and interest.
“I don’t enjoy being around children” ranked thirteenth out of the eighteen motive statements, and “People I know have not realized the rewards they expected as a parent” ranked sixteenth. I mention these because I think it is commonly assumed that people who don’t want children of their own must not like children at all. I know I have encountered that response, and that’s just not the case. With five nieces and three nephews, my life is full of children. And I like it that way. I also like being able to return them to their parents and retreat into the quiet of my own house after spending time with them.
I think it’s also worth discussing the idea that seeing other people’s experiences fail to live up to their expectations can be a deterrent for those contemplating parenthood. I know that my friends and family members who have children love them dearly. And I know that there are beautiful, heartfelt, unbelievably meaningful moments of pride and connection and emotion…but it seems like they’re pretty few and far between, buried beneath loads of stress and worry, and the couples rarely seem truly happy. If having children means potentially sacrificing the quality of my relationship with my husband, then I’m not interested. As Scott says, “I value a strong and enduring relationship with a life partner more than I do the prospect of parenthood.”
So, how can people go about deciding whether having kids is right for them? One of Scott’s research participants gives this suggestion:
At least twenty times a day for the next week or month, ask yourself the following question: “How would having children change what I am doing now?
Also, talk with your partner. A lot. And be prepared to feel the sting of social criticism or stigma because choosing to be childfree “is a fundamental challenge to the way most people see the world.”
Scott’s interviews with childless-by-choice couples revealed the importance of being “on the same page” and indicated that women—at least the ones in her study—often feel more affected by the assumption of parenthood because it carries with it the idea that motherhood is the mark of womanhood, and many people can’t make sense of how a woman who is not a mother can really be a woman at all. Her participants also expressed frustration with the assumption that the intentionally childfree are selfish or immature—many of them felt that not having children would allow them to make greater contributions to society—and will someday regret their choice.
To these sources of frustration, Scott says that “the assumption that the only path to responsible adulthood is parenthood is another tired remnant of a pronatalist culture,” and “the specter of regret seems to be a cultural assumption more than a real fear harbored by the childfree.” In short, people who choose not to have children are just as responsible and mature as those who do, and they are not doomed to regret their choice. Parenthood is not for everyone, and it shouldn’t be forced (by social, cultural, or family pressure) on anyone who doesn’t want it, nor should individuals or couples be punished, stigmatized, or ostracized for making the choice that is best for them.
Two is Enough provides excellent guidance and insight for individuals and couples considering the childfree choice, with words of wisdom from people who have been there and done that. Author Laura S. Scott argues against the pronatalist assumption of parenthood, identifies and explores the most compelling reasons for remaining childless, examines the decision-making process and the four primary types of childless-by-choice individuals, and provides suggestions for living childless by choice in a society that seems to be obsessed with babies. But this isn’t just a book for the childfree.
Scott’s thorough research and thoughtful interviews with childless couples shed light on how and why people decide not to be parents and will be interesting and useful for anyone who wants to understand the decision. If I had my way, Two is Enough would be required reading for all, as we move toward a more inclusive, accepting society with a more contemporary definition of family.
Visit the Childless by Choice Project’s website and blog for more information, including the survey Scott used in her research.
Thanks to Seal Press for providing me with a review copy of this book.
Filed under: Book Reviews | Tagged: Book Reviews, books, laura s. scott, nonfiction, parenthood, reading, social issues, two is enough
One thing is for sure…having a child won’t FIX anything, and this is a mistake that alot of people make when they have something missing in their marriage. This is step 1 on their way to divorce! i applaud this author for helping people make an informed decision. I always feel empathy for those people who have made this choice, because they get so much crap! (I felt alot like this when I went from having an 80 hour a week ball busting career to staying at home. You’d think I was a sloth!) The last thing anyone should do is have a kid just because of social pressures. Phenomenal review Rebecca!
Great review. My husband and I are childless by choice. Thankfuly our families haven’t given us a hard time about our decision. But there is a lady I work with who hounds me about it – and really, what business is it of hers? I’m very interested in reading the book to see if some of our reasons not to have children are mentioned.
Awesome review. My husband and I will probably have children, but we’re still at the point where we’re not 100%. I’m so sick of hearing “when are you having kids?” not “are you planning on having children?” because really, it’s not fair to make the assumption that we’re going to! But if we do, it’ll be at least 5 years down the road after we can take care of several of our career and personal goals first. I think the best thing to remember about this issue is that it’s an individual choice and nobody should be looking at someone else’s choice about it too harshly. My sister had a child outside of wedlock, and people judge her, and then they go ahead and judge me for possibly not wanting kids at all… people should just leave one another alone about their own choices.
I’m very intrigued by this book now… thanks for the review!
I tell people I can’t have children, and every single time they say, “But you can adopt!” Like I must want to. I’ve known people who’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on fertility treatments and still been unable to conceive. It always makes me wonder, if you want a baby so very badly, why not just apply to adopt right away? Then if you can conceive, you’ll have two, and if you can’t, you can save the fertility money for college.
I’m a half-time stepparent, and it’s fascinating how it’s like living two different lives. During the off weeks, my hubby and I spend a lot of time together and have long conversations, but we also work on more individual projects. During the on weeks, we laugh more and have more side dishes at dinner. I can see how being a “real” parent could be fun, but the off-weeks are so relaxing that I’m glad I remained childless.
It’s that assumption that everyone (especially every woman) wants to be a parent that really bothers me. I know that in a few more years, when people ask how many kids we have and I tell them none, most of them will assume it’s because we couldn’t have them, not that we chose not to. And I completely agree with your idea about adopting.
Really interesting book and review. I’m only 23 and I’ve never been with someone seriously enough to consider whether I want to have kids or not. But have a number of friends who are married, and I know kids are in their futures. But it’s a complicated thing because I sort of don’t want them to have kids until they’ve had a chance to do some of the things that might not get to do if they have kids.
It’s an interesting conundrum. One of the people Scott interviews in the book says something similar. Basically, why do we encourage older couples to travel and enjoy their freedom without children in the house, but we assume young couples who do it are selfish? I’m all for people having kids when they want them and feel ready for it, but I think it’s important to make the decision thoughtfully.
I have one child. I’ve never regretted it. But without a doubt, children will change your life, and your relationship with your partner – and I’ve seen far too many relationships where the kids have become the main thing the couple has in common. Sadly, some of those couples don’t seem to notice that themselves – or be bothered by it. (Some people just don’t examine their lives very much, I guess – personally, I don’t get that at all).
This is a complicated question, and it sounds like this book would help sort it out. Thanks for the review!
I think it’s good to just know what you want. Period. If you aren’t 100% sure and then you have a kid, you can’t very well take him/her back to the store because he/she didn’t fit. It is a huge decision for sure.
Well said, Ti. Those are my thoughts exactly. I’m not entering into that kind of commitment (that affects another person’s life so greatly) without being sure it’s what I want.
Great post. People think I am so strange for making different life choices than they do, but I’m happy. Marriage and children is just not for me. I wish more people would think before having kids. Sometimes it seems like people have kids just to have them and the children suffer.
As a voluntarily childless couple (I’m 38) I must get my hands on this book. And maybe make the women I know read it
[...] Book Review: Two is Enough by Laura S. Scott [...]
Thank you Rebecca for such a thorough and thoughful review! It ranks at the top of reviews I’ve seen for Two is Enough so far.
That’s a great compliment, Laura! Thanks for taking time to drop by and read my review. I’ll be recommending your book to other young people navigating the parenthood decision.
I announced at about age 8 that I would never have kids. I was told that I would change my mind – well, I didn’t. It surprised me to read that young girls pick out names for children – I certainly didn’t.
It seems to me as though people who don’t have children put more thought into the decision than people who do have them. From what I can tell around me, kids “happen” to most people; to remain child-free, you make an effort to keep it from happening.
I’m surprised so many people get so much pressure about the decision to not have kids. I’ve never really gotten any of that – perhaps it’s obvious I would be completely unreceptive to that.
I thought about reasons to have kids and reasons not to have them, then realized that all the reasons I put down for having them had nothing to do with liking or wanting them – that told me everything I needed to know. I’m glad the author says that it’s not necessarily “different when they’re your own.” I’m honestly annoyed by the noise and chaos of children – I even felt that way when I was a child myself , and I really never thought there was a chance of that changing. It would have been terrible for everyone involved had I had them and discovered that I still felt that way – that seemed to big of a risk to take, especially since I didn’t care anything about taking it. Nobody should ever say to someone who feels like this that “it’s different when they’re your own” and “you’ll do fine.” The world is full of examples of people who don’t do fine as parents.