If you don’t know Melissa from Scuffed Slippers and Wormy Books (on Twitter as @balletbookworm), you really should. She writes great reviews and frequently shares stories from her life as a bookseller in Iowa (working for the same company I used to work for), and I’m thrilled to be welcoming her today for the first in a series of Adventures in Bookselling guest posts from my bookseller friends.
As a bookseller I’ve been privy to some rather odd requests. Some require a bit of interpretation – a slip of the tongue or neuron and confusion (hilarity) ensues – while others make you wonder how the human race survives. Observe:
Exhibit #1 – The “being-accosted-by-someone-questionably-sober” scenario
Male Undergrad: “Hey, I need The Odyssey.”
Me: “Sure – do you need a particular translation?”
Male Undergrad: “Yeah, the Faggy one.”
Me (keeping a straight face): “You mean ‘Fagles’, right? It’s here on the shelf next to you.”
Male Undergrad’s Possibly Drunk/High Friend (who is looking at comic books): “See, I said we should be in this aisle and you didn’t believe me.” [cue uncontrollable giggling from both of them]
Exhibit #2 – The “character-as-author-of-their-own-book” scenario
Female Customer: “Excuse me, I need Anna Karenina’s book.”
Assistant Manager: “By Tolstoy, right?”
Female Customer: “No, she’s the author.”
Exhibit #3 – The “get-your-mind-out-of-the-gutter” scenario
Adult Customer: “Do you have The Chronicles of Narnia?”
Children’s Bookseller: “Yes, do you want the regular children’s edition or the one-volume adult edition?”
Adult Customer (whispering): “Is the adult edition….dirty?”
Exhibit #4 – The “book-and-movie-are-different-entities” scenario
Mom Customer: “I need to pick up this book for my son’s class.”
Me: “OK, what book are you looking for?”
Mom Customer: “Legion by Paul Bettany.”
Me (how do I explain this?): “………………….er, Paul Bettany is an actor in a movie called “Legion” – there are several graphic novels available either titled Legion or with “Legion” in the title.”
Mom Customer: “Oh……”
Me: “Would a graphic novel be something your son’s teacher have on the reading list? What grade is your son in? I could recommend something with a similar subject.”
Mom Customer: “No, I guess I’ll have to call him and check.” [she never came back with a different book or question so I’m not sure what she eventually purchased, if anything]
Exhibit #4.5 – the “cover-art-is-different-the-book-is-the-same” scenario
Dad Customer: “Do you have The Lovely Bones?”
Me: “Yes, right this way, its on our display with other books adapted into movies.”
Dad Customer: “But this is the movie version, I’ve already seen the movie.”
Me: “Oh, no, this is the original novel, the cover just has the art from the movie poster.”
Dad Customer: “Well, this is for my ten-year-old daughter – would this be appropriate?”
Me [almost dies because there is a graphically violent rape/murder scene in the first chapter and that would totally scare the poor kid]: “Um, if you’ve seen the movie then you know that Susie, the narrator, is violently raped and murdered; it happens in the first chapter. Has she seen the movie?”
Dad Customer: “Yes. Oh, so they didn’t add that part for the movie?” (gaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!)
Exhibit #5 – The “how-did-you-ever-pass-kindergarten” scenario
If you are a student ordering course texts, it helps to bring your syllabus (syllabi, as the case may be) to the bookstore so you don’t wind up looking like this guy (who is probably wasting his tuition money):
Male Undergrad: “Do you know what textbooks I need for my class?”
Me (totally not clairvoyant): “I’m sorry, no, but I can order them for you. Do you have your syllabus?”
Male Undergrad: “No, because you guys are supposed to know what books I need.”
Me: “Well, the professors usually place textbook orders with the campus bookstore – which we are not. Do you know your course number?”
Male Undergrad: “No, why?”
Me (hates all students right now): “Because I need your course number to look up your textbook on the campus bookstore website.”
Male Undergrad: “Oh….so you can order my books through school?”
Me: “No. You can do that yourself. I can order you a textbook to be sent directly from our warehouse to your dorm.” [Male Undergrad finally remembers the name of his class so I am able to look up the course number at the University website then look up the required texts on the campus bookstore site and then look up the textbook in our computer]
Me: “I can order your textbook, it’s [insert price around $100, which is actually pretty cheap for a brand-new, 900-page textbook] and we can ship it to you for free.”
Male Undergrad: “What!!?!?!?! That’s too expensive. I’m not going to buy that.” [and he stomps off; jerk, I just spend 20 minutes looking that up]
Exhibit #6 – The “I-can’t-believe-I-just-heard-that-lemme-collect-my-jaw-from-the-floor” scenario
(right after J.D. Salinger’s death)
Says one ditzy teenage girl to another: “So this Saliva guy who wrote a book about baseball died this week…everyone’s talking about it. I have no idea who that is.” [must….restrain….fist….of….death]
Thanks again, Melissa!
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